Lost and Found

Often, we lose something, and desperately try looking for it! Sometimes, it is better to let the lost go......maybe it is for the best that what was lost was lost!

She had loved and lost. It was all coming back now. Nothing could be more pathetic than this……

She sat down, to catch her breath. She had been walking for a long time now…even running at times. From what she knew not?! Her body shook with great spasms every time she inhaled deeply. Slowly, very slowly, her breathing became more rhythmic and normal. She tried to look around her, but nothing seemed to register. Everything seemed so blank, so blurred. It was almost as if she were looking at something through tears.

Numbed Emotions

Tears? She had no tears, did she? She searchingly felt her face…..slowly running both her palms across the eyes, and then the cheeks…..No. There was not one drop of tear. How could there be? Because, she felt nothing. And, how could a person cry if s/he could feel nothing?

There was a heavy numbness that enveloped her. And this was all that she could feel. There was something deep and profound that weighed on her mind and heart, and made her feel as if she were in a constant stupor. But why? What was it that caused her to remain in this state of suspended animation? What had happened that had reduced her from a living and laughing human being into a vegetative and stone-like entity?

A Vision of Pain

Ah! It was coming back now! And how?!

Far in the distance, from where she sat, she could see a young couple. Walking hand in hand. That was when it happened. She regained here emotions. A sharp pain stabbed at her heart. She tried to look away. Alas! In vain. For her eyes kept returning to the spectacle.

He was wearing a white shirt, which was unbuttoned at the top, with the cuffs rolled up. Carelessly. Oh! So like……like? Like whom? Who was she thinking of? Why couldn’t she remember? She wracked her brain, and forced herself to remember……but nothing happened.

She stared with all her might. It was indecent……she knew that……but there was nothing she could do. It seemed out of her hands. However much she tried to control herself, she felt her eyes drawn to the couple, involuntarily. And, as she saw them, she felt her heart shatter. Something was hammering against her heart, and causing her a lot of pain.

The Dam Burst!!

Her heart ached, her head was ready to burst, and the tears started streaming down her face. Ah! Tears at last! The brackish and salty water seemed sweet at this point of time. They seemed to help her……they seemed to ease her pain….the pain that the vision kept increasing.

The Perfect Couple

He held her hand lovingly, and caressed it. They were leaning against a fence, and were whispering sweet nothings to each other. She straightened his collar and flicked a fly from his shoulder. He tucked a carefree lock of hair behind her ear. What a perfect couple they seemed!

“Here’s to the perfect couple!” someone said. There was a reverberating clink as champagne glasses were stuck and everybody raised a toast.

Memories – Craved for, yet Unwanted!!

And, then she could remember. Everything seemed to rush in at once, and capture her heart and mind. Now, she wanted it to stop….but it wouldn’t!

Oh! how ironic!! She had been longing for this flood of memories for so long…..she had been praying and pleading with her inner self, and God, to revive the lost recollections……and, at that time nothing happened.

And, now, when it was all coming back to her, she wished it would stop! She craved for it to remain hidden…and not resurface again. Or, at least slow down….Slow down, so that she could live each moment of it all over again.

The Wedding Dream

She was dressed in a virginal white gown, a veil hiding her blushes and smiles. She was beaming with joy and love. This was the biggest and the best day of her life. She was blissfully happy. Her radiance penetrated the thin veil, and everyone around her was sharing in her pleasure.

He stood next to her, holding her hand. He squeezed it lovingly, once in a while, making shivers run down her spine. He had done this often…but that day it felt so new! He tried to catch her off guard, to give her a little peck on her nose, a tiny nibble on her ear! And in full view of everyone around?! Oh! Would he ever grow up?!

It was then that someone said, “Here’s to the perfect couple!” She threw the bouquet of posies behind her, not even turning to see who got to catch it. There was a shower of confetti and glitter as they ran down the steps to the waiting car.

Their belongings had already been packed and piled up. They were going on a long tour. They had no itinerary chalked out, they had not decided where to go. They had not even set a date for their return.

But, who could know that they would never return again. Return, that is, as they were leaving, a happy couple….the perfect couple who had just had a dream wedding! Who could ever guess that he wouldn’t return…..and she would come back, thankfully in one physical piece…but shattered and broken irreparably, at least as far as her memories were concerned.

Lost and Found…..and Lost Again!

She had loved and lost. Lost everything that had ever mattered to her….more than the memory that now seemed to be returning. She had lost her love, something that wouldn’t come back ever.

They drove around a sharp bend in the hillside, where she couldn’t recollect? At that point, their car teetered over the edge. He lost control. She screamed. He opened the door on her side, and pushed her out, in an instinctive reaction…..before shouting out….“I Love You” and fell…..to his death!

It was all coming back now. She gained it all back….her lost memory…..but it only furthered her losses. Nothing could be more pathetic than this….nothing….Not even death!

Mistakes and Repentences

This is rooted in one of the biggest mistakes I made in life...

'To sigh, yet not recede; to grieve, yet not repent!' George Crabbe

When an individual makes a mistake, or commits a major error, what would be the natural progression from the conduction of the act to the consequences that follow the act? I personally feel, as my reflections of the numerous mistakes I have committed in my lifetime till date have brought to me, that there is an order in which all this is carried out.

Thoughts before an action is conducted the actual deed is done the immediate feeling of success and happiness at having achieved what was forbidden the slow realization that what was done was a mistake the need to be sorry and to repent the feeling that that would make one a failure and the final stoical acceptance that what was done was a mistake, and one where the acceptance and repentance of the mistake is forbidden.

Let alone my miniscule self; was it this that happened to the forefathers of mankind? Imagine Adam and Eve, in their pleasure trove, enjoying all the fruits that the Lord had bestowed upon them. And yet, there was not complete peacethe Golden Apple was elusivesomething much desired and yearned for, and something that was forbidden and unachievable!

Just by some freak chance of nature, and the incitement of something evil, the two purest people in the world were tempted to taste of the fruit. The thoughts of fear (of being rebuked for the mistake) and awe (at their own temerity to be attempting to do something forbidden) must have combined to egg them on to conduct the awful deed.

And, what must have followed? Rejoicing at the fact that the fruit was now in their hands, to be tasted at their own will? But naturallydon't we all feel the same when we do something that we have been expressly asked not to?

Wellso the deed was done, and the immediate fruit enjoyed. What next? Ah! The fruit begins to show its true colours and the effects of having had it begin to manifest themselves. And that brings to the mind of the erstwhile pure the profundity of their error.

But what do they do? Nothing. Why? Because nothing is to be done. A deed once done is done it is like an arrow that is shot out of the bowit goes out, never to return to the quiver. And if ever to return, bloodied and changed. Which is worse than not returning.

So, the pure accept that they have done a deed and feel that they have to repent, to be penitent for their sin the one and only 'Original Sin'. But something stops them. What? Something akin to ego, something that tells them that acceptance of their fault would make them look even worse than the actual act itself. Wouldn't the Lord laugh when they fell to their knees and were remorseful for their actions? That wouldn't feel so nice, would it?!

So, fear of the double failure makes them accept their fate. They know that there is nothing to be done anymore, and so they stoically accept whatever their actions have brought upon them. Expulsion from Eden and into a world of sorrow and pain, grief and sin and everything negative and evil was accepted without a word of complaint.after all it was what they deserved for their deed.

But, had they once repented their action, just one time put their head down and begged for forgiveness, who would have had the heart to not forgive themor even if not forgive, to let them off with a lighter punishment than the one inflicted because of not having repented?! Well it is true, I guess, that ..

'Of all acts of man repentance is the most divine.' Thomas Carlyle

Satisfied ...

Here I am again ... and am actually quite surprised at myself, since I am not the kind to be regular about stuff like this .... in fact, every new year when we got fresh diaries for the coming year, I'd jump up and say, this time I resolve to keep a diary to note down little tidbits of my life .... and never went beyond a few pages .... only to redo the whole episode again the next year! But, here I am, today, because there's something I'd like to share ... or if not share, at least jot down, since I kinda liked it ....

Actually, its something that happened early today morning ... my 2.4 yr old son, Dhruv, was asleep and it was 5.45 am, I guess, when I was up and packing his tiffin for playschool and my tiffin for office. He is usually tight asleep during this time and wakes up only around 6-30 or 7-00 am. But, today, he woke up and came stumbling to the dining table, where I was packing his food - consisting of half-a-cake (happy-birthday is his name for a cake!) and 2 biscuits (bikkes - he calls it) .....

So, this 3 ft long chap comes up to me, puts his hand up to indicate he wants to be lifted and says its 9-00 o'clock ... thats the only time he can say, dunno why, but whenever he wants to say the time, it is always 9-00 o'clock! So, it was 9-00 o'clock and here he was in my arms, hugging me tight ...

Now, usually, the maid comes around 6-45 am and gets him ready for school, brushing his teeth and giving him a bath and dressing him up, which is always a battle, considering that he never co-operates ... but, getting back to the point, here was this little bugger hugging me, when it suddenly occurred to me that I could get him ready today ... so, I got some hot water ready, took him to the batoon (bathroom in his words!), undressed him and bathed him .... brushing was a pain, but somehow, he was a little less resilient today, and I got it done in 15 minutes ... bathing him, and dressing him ....

And, I felt so satisfied .... Usually, when housewives claim that it is a major satisfaction, looking after a baby that it is worth giving up financial freedom and a job, I always felt they said that to console themselves, because that they couldn't work like other working women, whatsoever their reasons be ... But, when I got my son ready today, I felt so so so satisfied, that I felt like giving up my job and staying home .... but again, beggars can't be choosers ...

Now, let's leave that story for sometime else .... Am already at office and the halo of greatness and satisfaction is wearing off, and so before I forget that I did something worthwhile today, something that made me satisfied, if for a momentary period of time, I wanted to write it down to preserve it ... for sometime later, when I can read back at what I did someday ... and bask in my own borrowed glory!

Adieu, till I come back .... no promises here, considering that irregularity and procrastination are second nature to me ....

something or the other ...

It happens often, with me ... that I think I shall do something, but keep procrastinating ... till a time comes when I almost forget I was going to do something ... And, then suddenly, one fine day, I feel like doing it ... or maybe, do it, without having a feeling to do it ...

Am I blabbering a bit too much? Well ... I guess I do that all the time ... usually, when I want to kill time or hide something ....

But why exactly am I blabbering now? I have no time to kill ... am overworked at office, spend a couple of hours travelling to and from office, and then have to play "You're Dead!" with my son ... which takes up quite some time .... Which all adds up to the simple fact that I have no time to kill.

Then ... what is it that I am hiding? Sadness ... frustration ... dejection ... life's unfairness .... there's just too much I am hiding ... but from whom? The world? Or myself? Yes ... I am hiding from the world ... Oh no! Not myself ... I am very much me to the world, maybe a masked me ... But I am there ....

But hiding from myself? Can someone hide from themselves? Isn't it such a weird thing ... trying to hide from your own self? I asked myself all this .... because I felt that maybe I was losing it ... but then, when I asked myself the question, I realized that I actually had a mask ... that tried to hide everything from me .... the heart hides things from the mind and the mind hides things from the heart .... but, then again, they clash somewhere .... the heart dreams on but tells the mind "be practical!" ... the mind tries to follow the tenet of practicality, but in some intimate portion, dreams on ....

It is this juxtaposition that actually made me write down these words ... to begin a blog that I have been thinking I'd begin for ages now .... I did something without an inclination to do ... just did it .... I don't even know that I shall keep it up ... but I just did it ... for the sake of it ....